Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
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My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Print is alive and well!!!
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Thrilling chase underway
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Fiction has to make sense.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!