Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
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She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…