I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
You Might Also Like
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
kitchen magnet
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.