Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iwearaonesie's best tweets

@iwearaonesie : toddler *shows me his new toy* me: Who gave you that? toddler: My friend me: When? toddler: When he wasn’t looking

@iwearaonesie: Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

- make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
- won’t share
- don’t like baths
- bitey

@iwearaonesie: wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

@iwearaonesie: wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

@iwearaonesie: wife: What are you doing?!
me *throwing the vegetables she bought out* They don’t bring me joy

@iwearaonesie: me [holding wife's shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

@iwearaonesie: Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

@iwearaonesie: wife: Alright, who loaded the dishwasher?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

@iwearaonesie: wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

@iwearaonesie: "I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu"

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down