@iwearaonesie: wife: Alright, who loaded the dishwasher?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
@iwearaonesie: wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
@iwearaonesie: "I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu"
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
@iwearaonesie: What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
@iwearaonesie: coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
coworker: What did your wife get?
@iwearaonesie: How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
@iwearaonesie: me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds