Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iwearaonesie's best tweets

@iwearaonesie : wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier son: What’s wrong with dad? wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

@iwearaonesie: When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

@iwearaonesie: *opens cupboard*
*catches glass before it falls on my head*
*puts it back in the same spot to test wife's reflexes*

@iwearaonesie: me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

@iwearaonesie: toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

@iwearaonesie: A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

@iwearaonesie: *smoke detector goes off*
*toddler runs around screaming*
*smoke detector goes off again*
wife *walks into the kitchen*
me: How was your nap?

@iwearaonesie: Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

@iwearaonesie: wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

@iwearaonesie: Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food