Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iwearaonesie's best tweets

@iwearaonesie : toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”? me: “E” toddler: “E” like “elephant” me: Very good! “L” toddler: “L” like “elephant” me: toddler: me: “M” toddler: “M” like “elephant” me: Shit toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

@iwearaonesie: wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*

@iwearaonesie: me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

@iwearaonesie: wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

@iwearaonesie: toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

@iwearaonesie: Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

- make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
- won’t share
- don’t like baths
- bitey

@iwearaonesie: wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

@iwearaonesie: wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

@iwearaonesie: wife: What are you doing?!
me *throwing the vegetables she bought out* They don’t bring me joy

@iwearaonesie: me [holding wife's shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
me: “Gap”