Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iwearaonesie's best tweets

@iwearaonesie : “I said, ‘No’” - me, about to give my dog my sandwich

@iwearaonesie: Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn't mean knock him off with a pillow

@iwearaonesie: "If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

- the dumbest thing I've ever said

@iwearaonesie: wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

@iwearaonesie: wife: I want a divorce
[uncomfortable silence]
everyone else at the party: Happy birthday to y-

@iwearaonesie: me: Remember when I was 9 and you promised to take me to get ice cream but you never did?
dad: Remember when you were 5 and I picked you up to leave the store and you yelled, “This is not my daddy!”
me: Apology accepted

@iwearaonesie: toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

@iwearaonesie: *asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

@iwearaonesie: me [doing laundry] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”