Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iwearaonesie's best tweets

@iwearaonesie : My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

@iwearaonesie: Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you'd pick up

@iwearaonesie: wife: Why didn't you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

@iwearaonesie: me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

@iwearaonesie: me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, "Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish"?
wife: Go to sleep

@iwearaonesie: [last night]
*gets drunk*
*can't remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

@iwearaonesie: me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn't know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

@iwearaonesie: [Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

@iwearaonesie: [movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

@iwearaonesie: [leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know