Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iwearaonesie's best tweets

@iwearaonesie : me *eating a piece of cake* trainer: Where did you get that?

@iwearaonesie: What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

@iwearaonesie: me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

@iwearaonesie: niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

@iwearaonesie: wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

@iwearaonesie: wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

@iwearaonesie: me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

@iwearaonesie: *checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

@iwearaonesie: wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

@iwearaonesie: wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
me: Yep
wife: What temperature?
me: 534
wife: That's the clock
me: 535