Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iwearaonesie's best tweets

@iwearaonesie : Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

@iwearaonesie: wife: Alright, who loaded the dishwasher?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

@iwearaonesie: wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

@iwearaonesie: "I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu"

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

@iwearaonesie: What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

@iwearaonesie: coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

@iwearaonesie: How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

@iwearaonesie: “I need a beer, you want one?”

- me, helping my son with his Legos

@iwearaonesie: “Hey look, a corn maze!”

- me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

@iwearaonesie: me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds