@iwearaonesie: wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I'm eating into the shape of a heart*
@iwearaonesie: girl at the bar: You're funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
@iwearaonesie: me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
@iwearaonesie: wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone's birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
@iwearaonesie: Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn't remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
@iwearaonesie: [commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
@iwearaonesie: [leaving the restaurant]
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn't want you to take more than one there'd be a sign
@iwearaonesie: Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
@iwearaonesie: wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!