Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iwearaonesie's best tweets

@iwearaonesie : toddler: Lets go get a cake wife: Why? toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

@iwearaonesie: *pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

@iwearaonesie: wife: If you wake me up I'm going to kill you
[later]
me *watching her sleep* I'm not afraid of y-
wife *snorts*
me *doesn't move for 45 minutes*

@iwearaonesie: toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

@iwearaonesie: wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

@iwearaonesie: me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

@iwearaonesie: wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

@iwearaonesie: toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

@iwearaonesie: Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

- make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
- won’t share
- don’t like baths
- bitey

@iwearaonesie: wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap