@iwearaonesie: Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
- make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
- won’t share
- don’t like baths
@iwearaonesie: wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
@iwearaonesie: wife: What are you doing?!
me *throwing the vegetables she bought out* They don’t bring me joy
@iwearaonesie: me [holding wife's shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
@iwearaonesie: wife: Alright, who loaded the dishwasher?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
@iwearaonesie: wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
@iwearaonesie: "I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu"
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down