Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iwearaonesie's best tweets

@iwearaonesie : It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

@iwearaonesie: Before I got married I didn't realize "What do you want to watch?" was a rhetorical question

@iwearaonesie: son *sits down* [sigh] What a day
wife *kicks me under the table to get me to respond*
me *starts sliding my beer over to him*
wife *kicks me harder*

@iwearaonesie: [leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

@iwearaonesie: toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

@iwearaonesie: me:
wife:
me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?
wife: GO TO SLEEP

@iwearaonesie: *walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

@iwearaonesie: How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

@iwearaonesie: My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

@iwearaonesie: son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult