@iwearaonesie: What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
@iwearaonesie: niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
@iwearaonesie: wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
@iwearaonesie: me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
@iwearaonesie: wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
@iwearaonesie: wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
wife: What temperature?
wife: That's the clock