@iwearaonesie: *wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
@iwearaonesie: friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
@iwearaonesie: *hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
@iwearaonesie: toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
@iwearaonesie: wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
@iwearaonesie: wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing "Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic" on the check]
@iwearaonesie: wife: Where's the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
@iwearaonesie: [grocery store]
me *hits back of wife's leg with the cart* Funny running into you h-
wife: Go wait in the car
@iwearaonesie: wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?