@iwearaonesie: wife: If you wake me up I'm going to kill you
me *watching her sleep* I'm not afraid of y-
me *doesn't move for 45 minutes*
@iwearaonesie: toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
@iwearaonesie: wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
@iwearaonesie: me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
@iwearaonesie: wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
@iwearaonesie: toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
@iwearaonesie: Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
- make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
- won’t share
- don’t like baths