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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.