Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
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Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
time for some seasonal decor
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.