I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
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Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG