I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
if you鈥檝e successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
fired
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don鈥檛 call ahead to see if it鈥檚 in stock and are like sooo shocked it鈥檚 not there. Baby!!! it鈥檚 your wedding dress!!! I鈥檝e called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I tried a little tenderness and now I鈥檓 trying blunt force trauma.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
He is just living hist best little life 馃槉
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
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Try Facebook.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we鈥檝e shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.