Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
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Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Holy shit he’s back
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️