Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
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Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped