STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
c’mon!
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Happy weekend !
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will