out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
For those that worship cheese..
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.