Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
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My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
A family that plays together cheats.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same