Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
(Jupiter –
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
S M O L
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”