Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jake_lach's best tweets

@jake_lach : Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot

@jake_lach: When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping

@jake_lach: 2 hours into dieting] omg I'm so lightheaded

@jake_lach: If you don't boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?

@jake_lach: Is that a cop behind me? No, just a car with a bike rack. Or maybe it's an undercover cop with a bike rack?

-Weed

@jake_lach: Me and my lover, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G

@jake_lach: Who's the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark

@jake_lach: She's like a cat. I don't mean in bed, she just ignores me

@jake_lach: She said I'm 'barely tolerable,' which means there's still a chance

@jake_lach: In my dog's mind he's saving the world, one tree at a time.