us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
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My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Autocorrect completely socks
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.