If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
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*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.