Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
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See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.