Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jakob_huber's best tweets

@jakob_huber : Hi, I'd like to order a baby "Excuse me?" It says here you deliver babies? "Sir this is a hospital" [vampire quickly hangs up phone]

@jakob_huber: We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

@jakob_huber: Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don't remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It's uh..
Bond: C'mon this is our 3rd fight

@jakob_huber: Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I'm an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let's not focus on labels

@jakob_huber: Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying "it's not safe to talk on the phone right now"

@jakob_huber: Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it's *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

@jakob_huber: "Still upset about earlier?"
"So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal"

@jakob_huber: "What's your greatest strength?"
Shadow puppetry
[interviewer presses intercom button] "Pat, please bring a flashlight in here"

@jakob_huber: Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

@jakob_huber: On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.