Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
You Might Also Like
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My whole life was a lie.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.