At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
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I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I know
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
TODAY
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil