A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
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My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
smartest karate player in the world
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
do horses think humans are hats
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Somebody call the cops.