Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
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the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Not all heroes wear capes….
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.