Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
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Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.