Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
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the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips