I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
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The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Birds & Planes.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.