A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
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You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.