Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
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Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
#dalle2
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.