Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jazmasta's best tweets

@jazmasta : My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That's whey past my bedtime

@jazmasta: Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is "why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?"

@jazmasta: [speaking to an attractive lady] "How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!"
"Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"

@jazmasta: That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine....imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?

@jazmasta: I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash.

@jazmasta: DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?
ME: Can't say I do
DOC: That's one of the symptoms, yes.

@jazmasta: "Please. I need this" I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.

@jazmasta: [loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*

@jazmasta: BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance

@jazmasta: if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say "it's ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway"