@jazmasta: Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is "why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?"
@jazmasta: [speaking to an attractive lady] "How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!"
"Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"
@jazmasta: That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine....imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?
@jazmasta: DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?
ME: Can't say I do
DOC: That's one of the symptoms, yes.
@jazmasta: "Please. I need this" I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.
@jazmasta: [loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*
@jazmasta: BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance
@jazmasta: if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say "it's ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway"