From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
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Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
wow
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”