It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
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I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident