Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jctwritesstuff's best tweets

@jctwritesstuff : [Speed date] Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house? Him: I uh... I don't... Me: NEXT

@jctwritesstuff: [Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

@jctwritesstuff: Me: I'm exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

@jctwritesstuff: Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

@jctwritesstuff: *rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I'm tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

@jctwritesstuff: [First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can't... I can't help it.

@jctwritesstuff: Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He's 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or...?

@jctwritesstuff: Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

@jctwritesstuff: Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

@jctwritesstuff: Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it's just me after eating Taco Bell.