Funny Tweeter

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Page of jctwritesstuff's best tweets

@jctwritesstuff : Me: It's late. Go to sleep. Brain: K. Me: Brain: Me: *kinda dozing off* Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

@jctwritesstuff: The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor's eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

@jctwritesstuff: So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

@jctwritesstuff: Him: I'm head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you're like, standing?

@jctwritesstuff: The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don't take him out.

@jctwritesstuff: Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I'm not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik's Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I'll talk!

@jctwritesstuff: Yeah, no, I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.

@jctwritesstuff: Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can't eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

@jctwritesstuff: Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I'm gonna do so many--
Me: *snores, drools*

@jctwritesstuff: *walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It's like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*