Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jctwritesstuff's best tweets

@jctwritesstuff : That face-melting Nazi guy in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' but it's just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

@jctwritesstuff: Me: So anyway, I don't know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

@jctwritesstuff: Me: It's late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

@jctwritesstuff: The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor's eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

@jctwritesstuff: So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

@jctwritesstuff: Him: I'm head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you're like, standing?

@jctwritesstuff: The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don't take him out.

@jctwritesstuff: Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I'm not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik's Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I'll talk!

@jctwritesstuff: Yeah, no, I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.

@jctwritesstuff: Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can't eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?