Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jctwritesstuff's best tweets

@jctwritesstuff : Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down* Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot... Pi-VOT... PIVOT!

@jctwritesstuff: Chocolate: You're a little emotional.
Ice cream: It's gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I'm here for you.
Whiskey: Everything's FINE
Tequila: LET'S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

@jctwritesstuff: *sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm...
Me: I'll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can't--
Me: --I LIVE HERE NOW

@jctwritesstuff: [First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn't eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

@jctwritesstuff: Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN'T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

@jctwritesstuff: My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

@jctwritesstuff: [First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y'all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

@jctwritesstuff: Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or...?

@jctwritesstuff: [First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I'm an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*