Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jctwritesstuff's best tweets

@jctwritesstuff : Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie* Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling* Dad: *lecturing someone* Sister: *bickering with husband* FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN'T HOW THIS WORKS! Me: *throat-punches him*

@jctwritesstuff: My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

@jctwritesstuff: [First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y'all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

@jctwritesstuff: Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or...?

@jctwritesstuff: [First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I'm an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

@jctwritesstuff: *crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

@jctwritesstuff: "At least you'll be safe from zombies," I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

@jctwritesstuff: Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?