HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
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Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
You’re the water to my grease fire.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.