Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
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Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Probably my best painting.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
He’s dead
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I am a gravy boat captain
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”