At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
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I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership