The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
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My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me: