My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
*pokes sex life with a stick
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.