host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
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[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”