Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
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@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids