I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
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I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”