Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jeffswarens's best tweets

@jeffswarens : The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn't notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt

@jeffswarens: By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I'm supposed to go volunteer to help with something

@jeffswarens: Talking on your cell during church isn't good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you've got the spirit.

@jeffswarens: Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

@jeffswarens: After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"

@jeffswarens: Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I'm an idiot

Me: Don't ask. They swore me to secrecy.

@jeffswarens: If you stare at a 6 year old when they're eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.