I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
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One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.