Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jenlaw_11's best tweets

@jenlaw_11 : Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

@jenlaw_11: Netflix just asked me to rate 'Spy Kids 2' and I clicked "I haven't seen it" but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

@jenlaw_11: Don't make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

@jenlaw_11: If a server comes to my table and asks 'hows everythin tasting?' mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

@jenlaw_11: How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

@jenlaw_11: "You are what you eat" I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog's ashes into my cat's food bowl

@jenlaw_11: Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don't need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

@jenlaw_11: Sometimes in the 'special talents' section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

@jenlaw_11: Oh you're a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That's what I thought.

@jenlaw_11: I'm rubber, you're glue. I'm destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses