they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!