Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
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INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying