Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
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“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Breaking news:
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
twitter users today:
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway