ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Teach your children to beatbox
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher