I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
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THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Bringing home a sharpie
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.