“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
You Might Also Like
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???