Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jergarl's best tweets

@jergarl : 1980: busy signal (I'm busy af) 1990: call waiting (hold on I'm busy af) 2017: voicemail (I declined your call to watch cat videos)

@jergarl: Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY..

Wife: Fridge.

M: Shoe?

W: Fridge.

M: How did you..

W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.

M:...

W: Idiot.

@jergarl: *takes ambien

Oh.

You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.

Wife: Really?

Me:*already getting naked* I'm sure it will be fine.

@jergarl: I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that's just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.

@jergarl: Me: IT'S TIME TO SETTLE DOWN FOR THE NIGHT

8yo:*starts playing accordion

M: Where did you even get that?

8:*making eye contact* No idea.

@jergarl: I'd like to think I have a decent eye for fashion and my wife is like "OMG REMEMBER WHEN THAT HOBO PUT MONEY IN YOUR COFFEE LOL?"

@jergarl: Me: OMG I'm so tired.

Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips.

Me: I'm on it.

A: And Cheetos.

M: K.

@jergarl: One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.

Ironically, that's also the day I learned karate on a ladder.

@jergarl: Wife: Were you drunk last night?

Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why?

W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos

M: Ohhh

@jergarl: I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.