Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jergarl's best tweets

@jergarl : [first date] her: are you financially stable? me:*pulls an avocado out of my pocket and slowly places it on the table

@jergarl: [before a nap] I’m so tired and worthless

[after a nap] I’m well rested and worthless

@jergarl: *dies

*goes to heaven

Grandma: Just so you know, I saw that stupid tweet about me

*slaps my head

ARE YOU HUNGRY YOU LOOK THIN?

@jergarl: [at Timmy's funeral]

Lassie's thought bubble: Frankly, I can't even believe he lasted this long I'm so tired

@jergarl: 1980: busy signal (I'm busy af)

1990: call waiting (hold on I'm busy af)

2017: voicemail (I declined your call to watch cat videos)

@jergarl: Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY..

Wife: Fridge.

M: Shoe?

W: Fridge.

M: How did you..

W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.

M:...

W: Idiot.

@jergarl: *takes ambien

Oh.

You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.

Wife: Really?

Me:*already getting naked* I'm sure it will be fine.

@jergarl: I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that's just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.

@jergarl: Me: IT'S TIME TO SETTLE DOWN FOR THE NIGHT

8yo:*starts playing accordion

M: Where did you even get that?

8:*making eye contact* No idea.

@jergarl: I'd like to think I have a decent eye for fashion and my wife is like "OMG REMEMBER WHEN THAT HOBO PUT MONEY IN YOUR COFFEE LOL?"