@jergarl: Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY..
M: How did you..
W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.
@jergarl: *takes ambien
You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.
Me:*already getting naked* I'm sure it will be fine.
@jergarl: I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that's just a metaphor.
Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.
@jergarl: Me: IT'S TIME TO SETTLE DOWN FOR THE NIGHT
8yo:*starts playing accordion
M: Where did you even get that?
8:*making eye contact* No idea.
@jergarl: I'd like to think I have a decent eye for fashion and my wife is like "OMG REMEMBER WHEN THAT HOBO PUT MONEY IN YOUR COFFEE LOL?"
@jergarl: Me: OMG I'm so tired.
Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips.
Me: I'm on it.
A: And Cheetos.
@jergarl: One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.
Ironically, that's also the day I learned karate on a ladder.
@jergarl: Wife: Were you drunk last night?
Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why?
W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos