me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
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I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.