Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
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We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I had to Stop for this
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.