Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
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I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Hot hot hot 🥵
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.